March 6, 2009

Your Own Worst Snitch

Some women are clever enough to get away with murder...until they are stupid enough to rat themselves out.

Men have an easier time getting away with murder. As for women—as we saw in the UCLA study I wrote about on Tuesday—when we are under stress, we do not flee like the guys do; we run, and toward our girlfriends. Where we talk it out.

Which is what a suburban Chicago self-proclaimed "high-powered and refined professional" did after she committed* the perfect calculated murder. Frankly, I thought she had some pretty good ideas: practicing at a local shooting range, the boyish disguise, complex plan of renting a car, placing stolen plates on the rental and replacing them after the murder, devising a home-made silencer, and placing the murder weapon in a bucket of wet cement before tossing in a south-side Chicago dumpster, never to be seen again.

No woman is going to shoot another pregnant woman (of whom she is crazy-jealous) seven times and not get a bit stressed over it. Soon as that happens, she is going to run to her girlfriend and be her own worst nightmare—and sing like a canary.

This past Sunday, Marni Yang met a girlfriend for dinner and detailed the October 2007 shooting over a bowl of soup.

"If she kept her mouth shut, we could have been listening to her for the next two weeks, two months or six months," (Deputy Police Chief) Wilk said.

Yes--women are drawn to connect, and thus are far less likely to get away with murder. Remember that.

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What in the world does this have to do with my life as Broke Girl? I dunno. But I have never wanted to kill another person. Never thought of it. I guess I'm appreciative of the bit of emotional and mental strength and health I do have whilst under the stress of being economically battered about. Personal disclosure: Yep, Broke Girl is still far too invested in equity markets (her 401k) and by now is feeling a bit too numb with uncertainty to pull the trigger, reducing her exposure.

Ah, but my future appears far more golden than supposed "refined professional" murderer girl. She should have read the UCLA study and realized that as a woman exposed to stress, she would never, ever be able to keep from spilling her vile secrets. That's why they call them laws of nature.

I said it Tuesday, and I'll say it again: Get out with your girlfriends. Sure, you're no murderer or criminal, but do it for your quality of life.

Yang's nature was such that she was fully incapable of succeeding at hiding her depraved plan which tore into all we hold dear—not to mention the 6th Biblical Commandment. This is a good thing—sort of an innate driver that was functioning properly within Yang's perverted being to smooth the jagged edges of injustice and ensure humankind would be best served by, in this case, her innate compulsion to tell all.

Our similar impulse is such that we gather with our best buddies (male and female alike) to smooth our own angst and economic fears, ensuring our ability to best serve our own circle of humankind—friends, husband, children, neighbors, the check-out clerk and the (well, for me), nice high school boy who wiped my car dry at the carwash today. We had a nice chat, and parted friends, actually.

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God bless us all this week. Dow currently at 6,594. And just weeks ago at a notch over 9,000, I said to self, "Broke Girl, you ought to let a few stocks go and reduce your risk exposure..." I did not.


*Allegedly. All of this is yet only alleged.

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